I want to remember these moments
Not because I am a sadist
Only to remember how exactly I felt
What the dark times made me
I want to remember that I curled in my bed
How my eyes looked, empty.
I need to remember how it was difficult to swallow sometimes
Since there was a huge knot in my chest
Sometimes I would place my hand on my heart
To see if it was still beating
How my face crumpled in surrender when it was too much to bear
I want to remember how alone I felt
Haunted by dreams, disappearing into thoughts
Falling, gasping, trying to hold on yet trying to let go.
This feeling, utter agony, did not let me go
It forced me to its bidding, scared me, stopped me
Most of all,
I want to remember that I had survived.
That somewhere deep inside I was waking up
I wanted to remember the bad,
So I would appreciate the good, even more.
And be thankful for each new day.