Mourn

When it comes to an old lover moving on
The news is hardly ever delivered directly to you
It comes in waves and sometimes in hushed conversations
Unlike the other losses in life, this one is better left uninformed
When it does reach you however,
The feeling still remains the same
Bittersweet memories of days you spent in bliss flows in unwelcome
Once you meant something to someone
Old songs emerge in the form of last Valentines Day gifts
You close your eyes and you can feel them again, gently brushing your eyelashes
You think of how perfectly you fit into their arms
The sweet words of love and forever
You had built your future and theirs
I, becomes us and you free fall into the passionate abyss

I mourn the kisses that were lost
I mourn the tangled mess on the bed that we once were
I mourn the hands that once held in innocence
The blueprints of life together, float away like a dandelion in the wind
I close my eyes and let go
Of the love, the home, the kids, the memories of what could have been
I mourn the goodbye, open my eyes and put on my smile

Happily Never after

The day he came home smelling like cigarettes and sex
I wanted him once again
The thought that someone else desired him
Made him irresistible

As I nibble his ear and he groans
I think of the first time he invited me into his world
His laugh, his card tricks, the oysters and that smile
I had let the infatuation wash over like gentle waves

I kiss him softly, and hard
Gently untangling him
Remembering the laughs at the pier
The memories of fresh-cut roses and wine fill me while he touches me

I can smell her perfume as I trail kisses down his chest
Like a trance I close my eyes and inhale her scent
For a moment I am her, the intruder in my bed
His promises of forever and always float into my mind

Rises of pleasure, moans of satisfaction
I realize how it feels to feel dead and alive at the exact same time
There is so much that needs to be said but words fail me
I cry out with ecstasy and agony

I might be a broken shell today
The truth is nothing will ever balm over this pain
I bend down to kiss him while he is asleep
Leaving my past and my love behind

Limbo

The hour of melancholia has risen again like clockwork
Every week it arises during midday of the diminishing weekend
Tasks of organizational and homely propriety settled
Yet the goals of yesteryear and yesterday stay unfinished
Looming above like wisps of forgotten memories

My biggest fear is that my ennui will never fade
That limbo will be permanent
Stuck between the past and the future
Unable to move
Frozen forever in the depths of despair

There are more questions than answers
They pile up like the documents on the desk of an office clerk
The answers are complicated
Like the relationships
Unhinged from their designated space with nowhere to go

The worst part is that my sadness is spreading to those around me
Slowly their personalities wilt away
Like a contagious toxin their expression matches mine
All the light in the home, all the wealth in our wallets
Nothing able to pave the crippling unknown path ahead

We sit in different spaces, rooms, and countries
Trying to understand what lies ahead for each of us
Profession, matrimony, health and wealth
All suspended without gravity in our minds
While we hopelessly wait in agony for tomorrow

Sunset of past sorrows

He looked over the pier at the waters
The sun was setting, leaving the orange and pink hues
Mere wisps of its glorious past

Life had turned out well
Yet he saw her face in moments unexpected
Closing his eyes, the face became clearer

He remembered her standing on the curb
With a look that he could not forget in a lifetime
‘Stay’ it said

She had wrapped her hands around herself
It had nothing to do with the ice in the air
He looked away with a heavy heart

Regret was not an emotion he wore well
He had everything he ever wanted
Life had gone by, he had moved on

During the worst days
When his wife and children were not around
A number on the phone was his temptation

It took everything not to ever see her again
Nights of conflicting sleep
Days of secret mourning

Until he saw a glimpse of her one fateful day
Looking like a survivor
Same yet different

Sitting with a young girl, who looked just like her
Playful, slurping a soda, uninhibited
For a moment he could not move

She looked up directly to see him
An eternity had passed in that gaze
Memories of a long-lost past

Reality swished past
She collected herself and smiled
‘Its ok’ it said

He walked away, solaced by the smile
Finally he was at peace
That night he slept, dreamless

This evening he let her into his mind
Making him smile
As a lullaby sang him to eternal slumber

The Year That Was

As another year of our existence comes to a finish
Some of us wake up one morning
Some of us look at the road ahead
Some of us take a long coffee break
To think about, perhaps just for a moment
About the year that went by

We have walked along this time
Together and apart
Leaving trinkets of our personality in the path
Picking up new traits and friends along the way
We message the people we love
While others have nothing to say to the person they once loved
Parents have welcomed new life
Children have said goodbyes to old parents

We have moved to other countries
New lists and old photographs
Seen our best friend get married
Stood at an airport with a heavy heart
Let go of the love of our life
Sang out loud in the car when you got that job you wanted

Experienced life in those little moments
The ones where you feel like its not worth it
We have had the feeling of invincibility and bliss
How fragile yet wonderful it is
The year that went by
Molding you gently like weathered rocks

We have looked into the eyes of our child
Seen new leaders make claims, wars being fought
Thinking, judging and at times surrendering
Touched someone new and felt the electricity
Kissed that special someone
Felt our heart ache when we came home to emptiness
Looked at our self in the mirror
Trying to hold on, or smiling at our new haircut

The mundane tiny inconsequential events
That was painted by our actions
Made this year, this month, this day, this second
Into something unique, something we cannot have again
What awaits us is not a fresh new beginning
But the next chapters of our extraordinary individual lives
The hope, that liberating inhale of promise
All the best and worst making us better versions of ourselves

Wonder what next year will be like
You think with a smile.

Happy 2011

Passerby

How strange life is
As mere mortals we can hardly grasp it
It changes in a second
While we stare with astounded expressions

The misery of last year
Is replaced by the joy of new beginnings
The best friends of yesterday
They are now away saying “Keep in touch”

There is a sadness for things lost
There is also the delight of tomorrow
There is a melancholy of dreary experiences
There is the freshness of many firsts

It seems we are merely going
From the point of existing to not
While life whizzes by
Never stopping for vitamins or pep talks

Life is the lover
Life is the friend
Life is the child
Life is all around

Looking at the Stranger

Staring past the lights and candles
Trying to listening to the conversation
I sat at the table with faces
Familiar and New

I tried to listen to the hollow laughter
The banter that never seemed to end
I tried to concentrate
On his beautiful dimples and blue eyes

Here was an opportunity
Here was a window
Here was a bloody beginning to some unknown journey
And I was least bothered

Madame butterfly started to sway the water
And I thought it was so ironic
Among the strangers I sat with
The person I didn’t recognise at all
Was me.

Looking at the mirror back at my big lonely apartment
I looked back at the eyes that seemed defeated
A smile trying hard but not quite getting there
And a soul that was tired

The charade, the views, the values
Life was meant to be this and that
People drudging along their dreary lives
Not knowing what they want

And here I was, not knowing who I was

Perhaps with time I will recognise
That defeat was but a milestone
To the person I would become
Someone who knew better
Someone who knew who she was…