Reflections

She looked down at her henna covered hands
The beautiful intricate patterns symbolizing married bliss
Mother had worn her finest, her eyes shiny with tears
All the curious ones had their answer
The daughter was finally being given away in matrimony

She looked around with a small sigh
Finding his eyes, she exhaled slowly
The years of solitude and incompatibility
Led her to him, the wonderful gentle man
The ceremony was about to begin, along with the rest of her life

The other side of the mirror held another truth

She ruffled her white gown playfully
The nerves have quelled into a clear certainty
Maybe there was unforgiving aching
Perhaps she had broken the rules and wandered without caution
She still felt calm and ready

Walking down the aisle she marveled at the beauty of the orchids
She glanced lovingly at the two empty chairs that were meant for her parents
Looking up she found her bride and smiled their secret smile
It might have taken forever, heartbreak and exile
As the minister began, she was thankful that she had the courage to want more

Mourn

When it comes to an old lover moving on
The news is hardly ever delivered directly to you
It comes in waves and sometimes in hushed conversations
Unlike the other losses in life, this one is better left uninformed
When it does reach you however,
The feeling still remains the same
Bittersweet memories of days you spent in bliss flows in unwelcome
Once you meant something to someone
Old songs emerge in the form of last Valentines Day gifts
You close your eyes and you can feel them again, gently brushing your eyelashes
You think of how perfectly you fit into their arms
The sweet words of love and forever
You had built your future and theirs
I, becomes us and you free fall into the passionate abyss

I mourn the kisses that were lost
I mourn the tangled mess on the bed that we once were
I mourn the hands that once held in innocence
The blueprints of life together, float away like a dandelion in the wind
I close my eyes and let go
Of the love, the home, the kids, the memories of what could have been
I mourn the goodbye, open my eyes and put on my smile

Happily Never after

The day he came home smelling like cigarettes and sex
I wanted him once again
The thought that someone else desired him
Made him irresistible

As I nibble his ear and he groans
I think of the first time he invited me into his world
His laugh, his card tricks, the oysters and that smile
I had let the infatuation wash over like gentle waves

I kiss him softly, and hard
Gently untangling him
Remembering the laughs at the pier
The memories of fresh-cut roses and wine fill me while he touches me

I can smell her perfume as I trail kisses down his chest
Like a trance I close my eyes and inhale her scent
For a moment I am her, the intruder in my bed
His promises of forever and always float into my mind

Rises of pleasure, moans of satisfaction
I realize how it feels to feel dead and alive at the exact same time
There is so much that needs to be said but words fail me
I cry out with ecstasy and agony

I might be a broken shell today
The truth is nothing will ever balm over this pain
I bend down to kiss him while he is asleep
Leaving my past and my love behind

Limbo

The hour of melancholia has risen again like clockwork
Every week it arises during midday of the diminishing weekend
Tasks of organizational and homely propriety settled
Yet the goals of yesteryear and yesterday stay unfinished
Looming above like wisps of forgotten memories

My biggest fear is that my ennui will never fade
That limbo will be permanent
Stuck between the past and the future
Unable to move
Frozen forever in the depths of despair

There are more questions than answers
They pile up like the documents on the desk of an office clerk
The answers are complicated
Like the relationships
Unhinged from their designated space with nowhere to go

The worst part is that my sadness is spreading to those around me
Slowly their personalities wilt away
Like a contagious toxin their expression matches mine
All the light in the home, all the wealth in our wallets
Nothing able to pave the crippling unknown path ahead

We sit in different spaces, rooms, and countries
Trying to understand what lies ahead for each of us
Profession, matrimony, health and wealth
All suspended without gravity in our minds
While we hopelessly wait in agony for tomorrow

Still waters of Hope

The girl sat lying on the ground
Belly against the earth, held up by elbows
She watched the stillness of the water
It reminded her of her mother during prayer
Stubbornly stoic, unmoving yet filled with an unknown energy
Her mother prayed that her family find peace and love
The girl did not have the faith, she wished for freedom
Sometimes it felt like they were two detached people
Strangers in the cosmic waiting room brought together by existence
The water had not moved by a shiver
Silent, limpid, so still and calm
This is why the girl loved watching it; she understood the need for serenity
She was at peace beside the water
There was no judgment or assumptions
She closed her eyes, wishing to be free

She sat on the wooden chair across the water
Watching her daughter lying on the ground
Her little girl looked at the water like it was a miracle
Sometimes she wondered how her own offspring was so different
At times felt like a foreigner sat down next to her during dinner
She angered at not raising her right and that she should have been stern
Eventually she calmed down as she observed her
Her little one was not perfect but she was still pure at heart
The peace that engulfed her during her conversations with God was magnificent
Just like this look on her daughters face
Slowly the child’s eyes brightened, although the water remained the same
She looked upon with wide eyes as her daughter closed hers
This time she prayed that her daughter finds what she is looking for
Perhaps they did not speak the same language or had the same faith
Yet they understood hope, just the same

Addiction to the Past

There is a torment of anger
Despair that seems pours from every surface
A helplessness that wonders
Could one small event or a gesture
Change what might have been

After a while all that remains are
The dying embers of a once great fire
A desperate fight for surviving the cold
Will it become dark again?
Is there a way to brush off the past and walk?

Everyday I dream of events and people
Without fail I dream of the love I experienced
I dream because I want to remember
Remember true joy, the feeling of floating
Before my transformation into nothingness

To be numb for so long
Waiting for the nerves to stop responding
Hope slowly burning into ashes
Falling onto my skin
Absorbed by my rage and disappointments

I would like to stop living in past tense
There was a time…
The good old days when…
Been there done that
Once I was someone who…
NO

I would like to exist today
Find my way back to laughter
Blindly seek in the dark and find the light switch
Stop being bitter and angry for the losses
Not to blame others for my life

Let the pain dissipate, wash away
One deep exhale, tighten my fists
Finally let go

Fogged Clarity

The silence of unspoken truths
Sometimes more louder than reality
Changes that have no stop button
Overtaking and leaving no one behind

The darkness just seems to engulf
A being, an emotion, a time and a place
The past was being erased slowly
With nothing ahead

Disguised peaceful moments
Full of torment and hopelessness
Seeking the floor blindly
For a path, for a weapon, for anything

A haze of no direction
Swirling in an embrace of cigarette smoke
The stages have been attended
Now what

Feeling not a pinch
Where as the world is shaking
Falling to the ground
In cries of ecstasy and grief

No man is an island
But perhaps he is a scarecrow
Surrounded by fertile soil and rich produce
Repulsing even the blackest of black

Opaque is the window to the soul
The light fog sets on the mirror
Hiding the truth
To stop reflecting the remorse
Trying not to be covered in discontent